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CHILD'S VOICE:
Digging...digging dirt off...

2
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and then putting it on the compost.

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That's our favourite thing...

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in the garden.

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FROG CROAKING

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CAMEL GRUNTING

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ELEPHANT TRUMPETING

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HEN CLUCKING

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Tweet!

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DOG BARKING
Miaow!

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PIG GRUNTING

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COW MOOING

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YOUNG MALE: I do all I can

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to avoid having to go out
in the garden.

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Erm...it's just not
my cup of tea at all.

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Boring, dirty, cold, wet...

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generally, out here.

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Do you want to say something,
Mother?

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I'm just listening.

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No, please don't!
SHE LAUGHS

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Just go back in your little hole!

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I do apologise.

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I love gardening.

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They say, in the garden, it's
the closest place to God, you know.

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Erm...I'm waiting for a nice, warm
day, so I can pull a few things up.

26
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You know what I mean? So...

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Oh...hello.

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I like gardening,
but I'd like to do more.

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I'd like to have the time.

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I love to see things grow.
I love to design things.

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Well, a garden's
a place for contemplation, isn't it?

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For reflection.

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Gardening, eh?
LAUGHS

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Very apt!

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Well, we don't know much
about gardening.

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We seem to get by!

37
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Oh, yeah...gardening,
you know...it's not an easy job.

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When you're digging all day,

39
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the old back tends to suffer
at the end of the day.

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You make it as easy as you can.

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Er...I would
call this a labour-intensive garden.

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Yes, yes...it is.

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Me and Nige, like,
we like being out in the open...

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more than we do indoors.

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I believe that, anyway.

46
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And what Nigel likes about it...

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He's got a saying: "Do it this way."

48
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And he likes that.

49
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But I think we both...
we get on quite well together.

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Sometimes, yeah, he might
moan at me and that about it,

51
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but two minds are better than one.
That's what I say.

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But erm...

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we make sure that a job is done
to the best of our capabilities,

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and the job is cleared,
and it's spot on when we leave.

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We have a yard
that Des has very nicely decked out.

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Yeah. It's... Well, it's all right.

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I really like it.
It gets loads of sun.

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It's got some ornamental grasses.

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Quite small, but it's nice.

60
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Well, it's not that small.

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Smallish.

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There aren't many ponds
in the neighbourhood.

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And in the height of summer,
when it gets dry,

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any body of water attracts frogs
from miles around.

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CHUCKLES

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A lonely-heart pond for frogs. Yes.

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A sort of singles bar sort of thing.
Yeah.

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I get a bird's-eye view
of the most extraordinary gardens.

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Sometimes you can be up one tree
which has...

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eight gardens underneath it.

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And...

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Aaaarghh!

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All the neighbours are gnashing
their teeth about this tree, and...

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the person who owns the tree has a
very defensive attitude towards it.

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It's got a little bit of decking,
and then a bit of grass...

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And a bit of slabs.

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LAUGHS
A bit of slabs!

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It has. It's got everything.

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I...right. OK.

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Yeah. Slabs.

81
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And you can dig dirt,
grass, sheds, bikes...

82
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..flat stones...

83
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What's your favourite plant?

84
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I don't have one.
I like all plants.

85
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Except vegetables.

86
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I hate vegetables!
LAUGHS

87
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I don't like any plants
except vegetables.

88
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You're only saying that!

89
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No, it's true...

90
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You like olive trees.

91
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I can't see the point of flowers.

92
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I like a good-looking garden
which attracts...

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all sorts of living things
into it...

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be a sort of magnet for life.

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I like contrasts of er...
form and colour.

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And cat pappoo and dog pappoo.

97
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And bird pappoo.

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This organic gardening,
that's coming a long way.

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People are sort of...

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I noticed
in gardens that we visit...

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that there's a lot of people
with their own compost heaps,

102
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putting their own sort of peelings
and stuff...

103
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Well, it's like that garden
we done up in Portishead.

104
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She had all that black stuff, and
you opened it up. It was jet-black.

105
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And that was that one
with all the shrubs and that.

106
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That stuff was really good.

107
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I mean,
that's good for the organic stuff.

108
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Yeah, yeah. It all helps, don't it?
Yeah.

109
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They're about No.1 on the hit list,
are slugs.

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Crawling and sliming across leaves,
and eating.

111
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You know, not very good.
You just see these silvery trails.

112
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I can eat almost anything.

113
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Yeah, I'm the same, too.
I won't refuse anything.

114
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The only thing I don't eat is...
Turkish Delight!

115
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Oh, I like Turkish Delight.

116
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I can't stand it.
And lychees. Lychees. Yuk.

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What don't I like?
I think I like mostly everything.

118
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Brussels sprouts and that -
I like them, but the missus don't.

119
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No, nor do I.
Not after!

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LAUGHS
Yeah, I know what she means.

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Slugs, in my opinion,
they're ugly-looking things.

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But they're probably eating
other creatures,

123
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so they're probably doing
your garden good, so leave them.

124
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I don't think they ARE
actually doing your garden good.

125
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Are they not?

126
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They're eating...
they eat your leaves...

127
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I know nothing about gardening.
They can wreck your plants.

128
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That's why they make slug pellets.

129
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Oh, well, yeah, you're right!
They're like worm pellets.

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Silly old me! I know.
LAUGHS

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I suppose the next one along
is a caterpillar.

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It's a shame, because a caterpillar
turns into such a beautiful thing.

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But a caterpillar can make such a
mess, you know, of a lot of plants,

134
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you know, with leaves munched away
again.

135
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Yeah, I like the idea
of a good crop of potatoes,

136
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or a good crop of beans and peas.

137
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Whereas flowers...

138
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Aren't useful.
Well, they are...

139
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They're useful in the sense
that you can enjoy them,

140
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but it's an awful lot of effort.

141
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No, it's not.

142
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I must admit
to having a very great affection...

143
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for the plant that we call
by the unfortunate name...

144
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of...

145
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..dog's-tooth violet.

146
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Sorry for that delay.

147
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There is a shrub that I do like -
the burning bush. Ever seen them?

148
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Laburnum bush?
It's called the burning bush.

149
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Oh, burning bush.
Burning bush, it's called.

150
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And basically, it goes green...

151
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and when it goes to die off,
it goes a completely brilliant red.

152
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Oh, like flames.

153
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That's why they call it
a burning bush.

154
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It goes from a nice,
dark green to a real, burning red.

155
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And it's called the burning bush.

156
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And turns to ash?

157
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It just goes to branches -
thin, little branches.

158
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And then it goes green again,
and it goes all over it again.

159
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But the tree stays there
all the time.

160
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Oh, right.
So, it's a year...

161
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It's a bush that's there -
well, a shrub -

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that's there all year round.

163
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It's just mucky, messy, boring.

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Rubbish.

165
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It's got a shed,
which I'm really made up about,

166
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cos I've, like, always wanted
a shed, all my life.

167
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And now I've got one.

168
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To read pornography in!

169
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No, not to read pornography in!

170
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To have a radio,

171
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and listen to the football results
with a paraffin heater...

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in fingerless gloves!

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Subtitles by accessibility@itv.com

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It's not chocolate.

175
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It's not...it's not grass.

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It's not...

177
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It's not anything. It's dirt.

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I'm telling stories!

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